Musings from a mum

In fact the twins have been three for a month now, but when they actually turned three I had the flu and was bed bound for most of the week so I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how life is now they are three!

Having boy/ girl twins they’ve always been quite different from each other but now the differences seem more distinct than before my little girl loves imaginative play and likes to take the lead in games that involve bossing her brothers and her baby dolls around! My little boy likes nothing more than to do puzzles with me, play junior board games and fight with his big brother! Both love animals, Lego, gymnastics, swimming, scooting and bike riding but my daughter leads the way with regards to confidence and making new friends. My son is less confident until he’s got the lie of the land and then he’s very happy.

I am so proud of them both and try to encourage them to be whatever they want to be.  Since turning three they have started ‘proper’ swimming lessons and although I was a nervous wreck watching them I realised that they are growing up, they loved it and couldn’t wait to tell everyone they’d been swimming without me.

My daughter has also had her first dance lesson and loved it. She went with a friend and whilst I sat in the corridor outside with her brother doing sticker books we could hear them all giggling and having great fun trying out ‘tip toe’ shoes, which is what she calls tap shoes. 

The twins remain firm friends, which is so lovely for me to see, my son gets very concerned if he thinks his sister isn’t happy for some reason and if anything I have to intervene to stop him being completely ruled by her (she asks for a drink and he goes to get it!).  Equally my daughter loves her brother, she’s happy to be independent from him but doesn’t like it if separated and also gets upset if he’s unhappy.

They both love their big brother too, which is nice and *whispers* *crosses fingers* *touches wood*they all seem to fight a lot less now too.

We are at such a nice stage at the moment long may it last. We are also on the brink of changes, the twins will be starting a pre-school soon and it will be the first real step on the road to their independence both from me and in some ways from each other. Whilst I feel nervous for them I also feel excited that they are going to be discovering so much more about the world. Here’s to the adventures we’re going to have along the way.

I have always had very vivid dreams, sometimes good but often bad.  I think it must run in my family, one of my first memories of sharing a room with my brother is him being terrified of having the curtains open once it was dark outside, in case the dark came in and entered his dreams.

Over the years I’ve managed my dreams in different ways. As a child I had a night light, as a teenager I slept with the radio on. If I slept anywhere new I had to take my radio with me. At university I realised that this was probably a habit I needed  to kick so I started writing down my dreams instead. I’d record when they occurred, what I’d been doing, eating, reading, watching. I realised hormones played a part, my dreams were more vivid just before my period and at ovulation.  They were more stressful when I was over tired and cheese mares are a real phenomenon! I also learnt that it’s better for me to avoid scary films and books as they live on too much in my sleep.

I decided too to take control of my nightmares. I remember reading somewhere that it was my dream, my mind and I was in control. This made a huge difference to me. In the midst of a bad dream I can now actively think my way out of it. It sounds strange but I can and do control the outcome and now I am rarely caught in a nightmare I can’t escape.

I don’t know if having an overactive nightime imagination is hereditary or just a normal part of growing up but now my lovely 5 year old and his 3 year old sister also have regular nightmares. The big boy’s are usually about being separated from me in some way, he remembers them all in a lot of detail so we talk about them and I reassure him that he will always be loved and looked after and I have no intention of letting anyone take him from me or his family.

My daughter’s nightmares are different. I think they are more of a night terror as she is a screaming furious being when she’s in the midst of them. The only way to calm her down is to completely wake her up, to put lights on and talk to her calmly about mundane things.  It’s a little bit freaky so I have to work hard not to convey to her that it’s unnerving!

I don’t want my children to have to wait until they are near adults to manage their dreams. When I was growing up it was a popular pastime decoding dreams (I seem to remember a dictionary of dreams by my mum’s bed) but I don’t feel like that helped me much just put too much emphasis on the fact that my dreams weren’t always good.

So how best to manage nightmares, in both children and adults? Should I be doing something different for my children. What can I do to help us all to have sweet dreams?  Please feel free to give me your top tips. I feel lucky in that I’ve learnt how to manage my dreams and I really want to be able to teach my children to do the same.

I find writing my blog a great way to clarify my thoughts on a range of issues but often I think of something I really want to write a post about but I’m out at the park, or swimming, or school run etc and not near a computer and find that *whispers* sometimes I wander around talking to myself.

The worst time is when I’m running, I realise that I am almost talking out loud whilst debating the joys of universal childcare, how it could work, whether a fascination with baking is progressive or regressive for women or the problems with Cameron’s Big Society (not least on a superficial level that with war on obesity being declared the ‘big’ in ‘big society’ could be so easily sent up).

I chuckle to myself and everything, and worry that people think I’m a little bit,well out there.

This post is called a blog explosion because that’s often how it feels inside my head. That there are a million different ideas, schemes and plans vying for attention and if I don’t let them out I will just explode. The frustrating thing, however, is finding the time to sit and properly dedicate myself to really working out the arguments, crafting my ideas into words that people can agree or disagree with and ultimately progress in some way.

I don’t think this is new for me,  it probably is my biggest weakness that I am interested and inspired in lots of things, a jack of all trades and master in none.  It’s definitely time for me to try, if I can, to change the habits of a life time.  I usually set a ‘new year’ resolution on every birthday well my birthday is next week and this is what it’s going to be to try to become a master of something, even if it is only to be in control of my thoughts.

The talking to myself thing? Well, not sure that’s ever going to change!

It was the budget that done it. Whenever I begin to feel ‘settled’ as a SAHM something will appear out of the blue to make me question my decision to stop work.

I am officially on a career break and have been since September 2010. Except for a couple of months of ad hoc work I have been spending my time at home with the smalls.

I never thought I would be a SAHM but having twins meant a move out of the big smoke. When I returned to work the commute and cost of working and childcare just built up and I realised I either had to get another job where I would work and earn more or go the other way and stop all together.  Seeing my children  less and working more just didn’t add up. Twelve hour days were ok before kids but I want to be able to enjoy my family and only seeing them asleep or at weekends didn’t tick that box.

Most of the time I’m reconciled to my decision to opt out for now. I know I could talk to recruitment agencies about starting back at work but until the children are all at school the same barriers will exist so I should just be patient but I find it hard to silence the nagging voice in my head. The one that says I am reliant on the OH bringing home the money, that I am not truly independent.  

Whenever the spotlight is on money I get the same nagging fear that I should be working and contributing more. I know that in order to do that I’d have to pay so much in childcare that it’s not worth it. Then I feel frustrated at how circular the working/ not working dilemma is.

I often wonder how others manage it. What do you do to keep sane if not working not entirely through choice but through necessity? How do you keep yourself employable? Is there life after being a SAHM?

Last week I was tagged by the lovely More Than A Mum to take part in a great music meme…

The rules were:

• Put your MP3 player/iTunes/iPhone/wherever your MP3s are on shuffle
• Take note of the first five tunes that pop up, say what they mean to you then…
• Tag some more lovely bloggers to do the same

I’ve been really looking forward to doing it, I use my iPhone shuffle when running and some very random but great tunes have been popping up so I’ve been intrigued by what will happen today. So here goes…

1.  Beastie Boys ‘In 3′s’
Hmm, ok, so I love the Beastie Boys I think it’s because they’re a bit naughty really (‘Girls’ anyone?) just as I was leaving home for uni they released an instrumental album (‘The In Sound from Way Out”), which this song is from and I love it and the album, it makes me feel happy and bouncy even when I’ve only had a few hours sleep. It’s on my running tunes because when the going gets tough it helps me just to zone out and go with it. Listen here

2. The Beach Boys ‘God Only Knows’
When I was growing up we lived by the sea, I could hear it when I went to sleep at night. Everyone listened to The Beach Boys, it was on at beach bbqs and when we went through our kabaddi phase.  I really like this song it brings back very happy memories and in my view it’s a perfect love song in my book.  Listen here

3. Adele ‘Make you feel my love’
Talking of perfect love songs… I know this one’s really about unrequited love but it’s just brilliant. Sums up perfectly for me how you feel when you really love someone so completely that you’d just do anything for them, when I hear it I think of my children.  Listen here

4. The Clash ‘London Calling’
I was born in London and when I finally returned in my early 20s I thought I would never leave again, ten years and three children later this was playing in the car as we waved it goodbye and headed for the suburbs. It’s a perfect running song for some reason, the minute it comes on I find the energy to dig deep and go for it. Listen here

5. La Roux ‘In for the Kill’
This song always makes me smile and dance, or sort of dance as I mostly listen to my mp3s while running so I kind of do a funny hand/arm thing when this comes on and nod my head a bit. What can I say? It’s just a fab pop song with some of the most catchy lyrics around. I know I’m going to be singing it all day now! Listen here

Well now I know how I’m going to be spending the rest of my afternoon, playing with my iPhone ipod and listening to lots of music. I might even do some bad mummy dancing to embarrass the smalls.

I am going to tag a new but excellent blogger Mummy Glitzer